


I don't want anybody else (when I think about you I touch myself)

by MissYouSoFar



Series: Moments Frozen in Time [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Alec is 16 years old, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Masturbation, Sad Alec, Tearjerker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:02:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24729406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissYouSoFar/pseuds/MissYouSoFar
Summary: What would Magnus think if he knew? Would he be disgusted by Alec, disgusted that he wanted him? That he touched himself while fantasies of Magnus filled his head? Knowing Magnus, he would probably be on the hormones side. It’s natural, Alexander. Healthy. It’s okay that you feel this way.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Moments Frozen in Time [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1729585
Comments: 11
Kudos: 63





	I don't want anybody else (when I think about you I touch myself)

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooo.... this happens sometime after chapter 4 but before the next chapter. Alec is almost 16. I'm not totally sure it's explicit and not mature, but I wanted to be safe, also not sure how to tag this, so feel free to let me know if I missed something that should be tagged.

Alec laid in bed, staring up at his ceiling, sending up tendrils of magic and snow every few minutes. The snow was falling back down and cooling his overheated skin. He couldn’t sleep. He’d been tossing and turning for nearly thirty minutes, trying to ignore his _problem_ and hoping it would go away, but no amount of thought redirection or playing with his magic helped.

Every time Alec closed his eyes, his thoughts would drift to that afternoon, conjuring up the memory of Magnus and the sun-kissed skin he had unveiled to show Alec the symbol he painted on himself in preparation for Arendelle’s fall festival. 

_“It’s a warlock sigil I found in one of the old books in the library. Do you like it?”_

_Alec nodded and reaching out without conscious thought, rubbing his thumb across Magnus’ hipbone, just under the painted tattoo. He wanted to drop to his knees and sink his teeth in the skin, he wanted to suck bruises across the flat of his stomach to mark Magnus as his, and he wanted to take him in his mouth and--_ christ. _Alec jerked his hand away from Magnus’ skin, swallowing heavily against the pure desire rushing through his body. “It’s pretty. The face-painting booth will be lucky to have you.”_

_“Thank you, Alexander.”_

Alec couldn’t stop the fantasy from playing out in his mind, imagining what could have happened if Magnus hadn’t taken a step back and tucked his shirt back into his pants. Alec pressed the palm of his hand to the bulge tenting his shorts, moaning softly at the slight stimulation. He wondered what it would have felt like to kiss Magnus’ lips, so red and shiny with gloss. 

He felt overwhelmingly hot, and like his skin was too tight, hypersensitive to every brush of his clothes and the sheets against him. He knew it was wrong, that these...thoughts weren’t things he should be thinking about a boy, about his friend. Shame filled him, but it still didn’t stop his thoughts. _This is wrong_ , he thought, rocking up into the pressure of his hand.

What would Magnus’ lipgloss feel like against his lips and tongue? Magnus said today’s was cherry flavored as he swiped another coat of bright red gloss across his lips, unwittingly driving Alec crazy. Alec licked his bottom lip, wishing for a taste, swearing he could taste a hint of cherry on his tongue. 

_This is wrong_ , he thought again, sliding his hand up so that his fingertips rested just above the tangle of course hair hidden beneath his shorts. 

His head felt heavy and filled with fog so thick it was a struggle to find his way out. His body was begging him to do what he wanted. It’s normal, his hormones assured him. Natural. But he couldn’t trust them. 

His hormones were assholes who couldn’t stop thinking about Magnus walking into the library dripping wet from the rain, his shirt clinging to the flat plains of his stomach, and his nipples pebbled from the cold. 

Alec curled his fist around the base of his cock, gliding his hand up the length slowly, twisting around the head on the downstroke. He moaned, the sound startlingly loud in his otherwise quiet bedroom, breaking him free from his thoughts. He pulled his hands away, guilt making him clench them into fists, biting the nails into the flesh of his palms. Alec hated this. He hated himself. 

What would Magnus think if he knew? Would he be disgusted by Alec, disgusted that he wanted him? That he touched himself while fantasies of Magnus filled his head? Knowing Magnus, he would probably be on the hormones side. It’s natural, Alexander. Healthy. It’s okay that you feel this way. 

_Let me help you feel good. I want to. I want you, Alexander._

Alec swallowed heavily, his hand creeping back into his shorts. He dragged his fingers up the length of his cock, swiping his thumb over the sticky, spongey head encouraging more to spill, making the slide of his hand slicker, better. He bit his lip to keep in the sounds he couldn’t help but make. It felt so good. No one would know that he did this or what, who, he thought about.

Alec shoved his shorts out of the way, his cock springing free and slapping against his stomach, leaving behind a sticky trail. Before he could second guess his decision, Alec curled his fingers back around himself, drawing his hand up and down in long even strokes, watching as the flushed head of his dick sink in and out his fist.

Alec did his best not to think about Magnus, but it was hard, no pun intended, with his brain clouded with pleasure to think about anything else. He tried and failing not to imagine what it would be like if Magnus was there with him.

Magnus would whisper praise in his ear, his hand tugging Alec’s away and replacing it with his own. _You’re beautiful like this, Alexander. All laid out for me, like the very best present._ The flash of pretty coral nail polish as Magnus stroked him exactly how Alec liked would have his toes curling against the sheets. Magnus’ dick grinding against Alec’s hip, hard and dripping, leaving his mark on Alec’s skin.

_Is this what I do to you, Alexander? Is it my hands you think about when you touch yourself? My mouth stretched around you? Tears spilling down my cheeks because you’re so deep._

“Oh my god,” Alec moaned, his hand moving faster, chasing the feeling pooling in his belly and balls. If Magnus was here, he could pull him on top, let his body press Alec into the mattress. He could take their cocks in his hands, making a tight, slick tunnel for them to trust into together. “Magnus, please.”

Alec was at war with himself. Usually, he only did this when nothing else would make the problem go away, and he never thought about Magnus, but jerking off had never felt this good. His body felt suffused with pleasure, but his mind was still plagued with guilt, and it was so hard to fight his mind when his body felt like this.

_Would you come down my throat? Or paint my lips, messing up my gloss with your come?_

“Oh, fuck,” Alec gasped, reaching down his other hand to play with his balls. The extra stimulation and the picture of Magnus’ lips, cherry red and pearly white pushing him to the edge. 

_You’re disgusting_ , he thought as his pleasure crested, Magus’ voice in his head fading, his release coating his belly. _No one will ever love you the way you want. This is all you’ll ever have. You’ll watch Magnus be happy with someone else, while you’re at home with only your hand for company. Pathetic._

Alec choked back a sob, cleaning off the mess on his stomach with his discarded shirt, exhaustion blissfully overwhelming him as he thought one thing.

_Conceal, don’t feel._

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure why I wrote this but I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> (P.S. - I call this fic the tearjerker in my head. Because...crying and...jerking off...anyway.)


End file.
